A Week is Such a Long Time....

With no fishing until Sunday's trip to Blythe Waters Fisheries, Knowle, Solihull, it feels like such a long week.  Last week I managed to go every other day, but because of work I can't get out bankside this week so I have cleaned my kit instead and got everything ready for the PIDS Fishing Club day out.  Father's Day was good for me and I am now the proud owner of a fishing chair from Emma and Jim and a landing net from Jake and Soph, both of which have been added to my kit and they will both get used on Sunday.  Of course others have been busy making new purchases and Damian is now the proud owner of not one, but TWO new reels and TWO new rods and a bivvy (basically a tent  that Carp anglers use to sleep in on the bankside) plus other assorted items that total a considerable amount of money, but according to him he doesn't have the bug again...Okay, whatever you say...Hahahahaha

On the depression front I had a little bit of a blip this week and allowed things to get to me a lot more than I should have.  It didn't help that I couldn't pick my prescription for Citalopram up and had to miss a few days medication.  I'm not sure how they work but they seem to stop me from over thinking everything so I don't wind myself up into a state and make rash decisions that I could later regret.  The situation at work has been getting to me a bit, especially on Monday because that was the second day running without my little friends to help me get through.  I have now managed to pick up my prescription and I am back on track with things, but the difference in moods is alarming.  On the tablets I can let any problems or anxiety wash over me and I can cope with them with ease, without them I spiral into a dark place where I over think everything, convince myself that the world is against me and upset myself.  I guess the key is getting myself a bit more organised with regards ordering repeat prescriptions and then picking them up because this is the second time I have experienced this.

There have been several things that I have learnt about depression though, things which may help others but this list that I found on the Huffington Post, written by Hannah Sentenac, pretty much says it all really.  I have changed the content slightly to suit my situation and feelings, but it has helped me no end.

1. There is always hope.
If you'd suggested this to me in my darkest moments, you could have just as easily told me that Toy Story is a true story or pigs are taking pilot exams. Hopelessness is a major symptom of depression, which makes it kind of difficult to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. But the light is always there.

2. I can't expect to feel good all the time.
Once I found good feelings again after battling depression, it felt like failure to fall back into any unhappiness or self doubt  moments. But being human comes with a roller coaster of emotions. Even the happiest people have bad days.


3. People who haven't suffered from depression have a tough time understanding it.
This isn't a criticism or a failing on their part, and it doesn't mean they don't love you. It's just difficult to understand something you haven't been through. But I couldn't rightfully expect that they'd know how I felt -- just like I can't expect to know exactly how a cancer patient feels, or how someone who lost their child feels. All I can offer is empathy and compassion, and that's all I can ever expect from anyone else.

4. Self-compassion is key.
I was my own worst enemy, always attacking myself for perceived flaws or failings. I could offer compassion to other people but never to myself and I need to cultivate a sense of self-compassion.

5. Lots of other people are fighting similar battles.
When I opened up to people about my struggles, I was constantly amazed at how many shared them, particularly people who seemed happy and well-adjusted. We live in a society where image is everything, people are experts at putting on a happy face, but there's lots of pain simmering beneath the surface for plenty of people.

6. Social media can exacerbate a sense of alienation.
When I was feeling low and bereft of all hope and human connection, looking at pictures of other people partying and having fun was maybe not the best idea. If you have low self-esteem (as almost anyone with depression does), seeing other people enjoying life and living a 'normal' life tend to perpetuate these feelings. They have done lots of research that demonstrates Facebook makes us unhappy. It stunts our real-life social interaction, it makes us envious of others (instead of grateful for what we've got), and so on.

7. Spending too much time alone is a bad idea.
I desperately wanted to remove myself from civilized society and frequently did, but of course, hiding away alienated me from exactly what I needed most, the company and support of friends and loved ones.

8. There is no final destination.
Life is a journey, and happiness stems from the journey itself. It's about finding joy in the here and now, in this very instant. I'll have low moments again, undoubtedly, but there's happiness to be found even in the darkest hours, and that's something I never came to grips with before.

 5. There's no quick fix.
Antidepressants can help you feel better almost immediately and that can be a hugely helpful option if you're in the depths of despair, but long term healing takes work. Consistent working towards getting better is the key. What that work entails depends on the person, but no matter what's involved, it's worth the investment.

4. I should always ask for help when I need it.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, whether it is just a chat or phone call with a friend, a chat with your GP, even calling The Samaritans someone is always there for you and willing to lend a helping hand.

3. My brain can change.
Our brains are designed to be habitual, so neural pathways form from our negative thought patterns, and this, in turn, can have seriously deleterious effects on us hence the negative effects of stress on our bodies. Creating new pathways is challenging and time consuming, but doable. For me, it's been about forming positive new habits and breaking the old, bad ones. Learning to correct my distorted thinking patterns and positively rewire my mind.

2. Everyone's journey is different.
I can't stress this enough, it doesn't mean anyone else who's suffered from depression will share the same conclusions, and that's okay. There are billions of perspectives in this world, and each is equally valid. For some people, medication is crucial. For others, long term psychotherapy might be the answer. Whatever works. I'm not suggesting that my path is best for anyone but me. But I am suggesting that everyone has a path to healing and the most important thing is to keep after it and not to give up.

1. I can make it out.
While the support and assistance of others are hugely beneficial, no one can walk the path to recovery for me. Other people such as doctors, therapists, family members and friends could lend a hand, but that first step (and second and third) had to be my own. Self-empowerment leads to lasting change. And lasting change is possible.

Well this post has been a bit different to the others, but hopefully it will help anyone going through a similar situation...

See you on the bankside....